I have been wearing this rosary bracelet for decades. It has only recently started showing signs of wear. Do I pray too much? Nah, but I do pray. I don’t touch it and count and say Hail Marys or Our Fathers but I look at each little bead and I say things like, “Hey God, what’s up with pedophiles?” I don’t think God wants to hear The Lord’s Prayer. I think God wants to be challenged. I happen to be very Godlike and I like to be challenged. So I usually pray while I’m driving… not about driving or being safe but about whatever it is that comes to mind. So back to pedophiles… after asking, I imagined God’s response.

“My child, pedophiles are proof that no-one is perfect, not even God. You are not perfect. As much as you would like to think that your children are perfect, they are not. We are all flawed. Pedophiles are severely flawed. Some have suffered unimaginable things in their lives while others are sick. Most people think that pedophiles are evil. The devil is evil and when he is allowed to enter a life, he is then the guide. I cannot prevent all evil. I can only fight evil if I am not shut out. Pedophiles are not born evil but somewhere along the path, I was shut out and the darkness was allowed to seep in and take control. My child, there are many levels of sin.”

Same mumbo jumbo I figured I’d imagine… right up there with, “he’s in a better place” after losing someone. What’s better about it? Stop flowering up heaven when there’s no god damned proof that it’s even moderately good. For all we know, there’s not even white bread up there. What if it’s all 7-grain bread, grape jelly and natural peanut butter? Gross.

When you were born, I protected you from physical harm, strangers, the cold and the sun. I carefully strapped you into a car seat every day. I kept you clean and well-fed. I prayed for you. Yes, I prayed for you.

All of these years later, I find myself not praying, but wishing… wishing that I could clear the fog from your eyes so that you could see what I see… what others see but don’t share for fear of upsetting you or being called meddlesome. Perhaps I have a terrible way of communicating my fear for you… to you… but know that the bottom line, no matter how harshly or ineloquently communicated, is that I still live to protect you and I love you more than you are capable of understanding.

Forgiveness is overrated. Let me rephrase that, excessive forgiveness is overrated. I was never much of a turn the other cheek type person. My parents have been telling me to turn the other cheek since the 80’s. They had a drug addicted, reckless child and didn’t know how to handle it. They did the best that they could but in the end, they too had to resort to tough love… but it was still love… it was always love. I don’t have the burden of loving my sister after 35 years of watching her destroy herself and everything in her path. I’ve tried to feel it over the years… tried to get that connection back but when I see her living the same seedy life, I feel nothing. It’s been easy to stay away. I never thought she’d make it to her 40’s and now 50’s. She has virtually no-one left in the world yet she continues to blame everyone but herself.

To be continued.

Seven years ago I started this blog. I was likely the only one that would ever read it even if I had posted more than once.

Anyhow… I’m going to start blogging [again]. The blog will be of the bipolar sort… a little tragedy, a little comedy and all sorts of fuckedupness in between.

As always, my disclaimer remains, “If anything I post offends you, please bring it to my attention so that I can remind you to fuck off.”

Every great story has an unforgettable antagonist… but I’ve been called worse.

Stay tuned.

2011.  One year from now, 2012.  The end? I doubt it.  I don’t have that kind of luck.  I have skill.  I’m a skilled bitcher.  If bitching could only save the world.  New Years Eve was a blast.  We rung in the new year with family, friends, poker, liquor, food and noise.  At ten to midnight we tuned in to watch the ball drop…. ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two….. hugs, kisses, pots & pans… outside we went….

“Happy New Year!” We chanted gaily as we ran down our block in hopes of waking our ninety-two year old neighbor as in years past.  “Uncle Albie” would come to the door every New Years Eve at midnight to wave to us but this year he stayed in bed.  Little Brian slipped on the ice and fell, earning him the first injury of the new year award.  Broken metatarsal bone in his foot according to the doctor who I didn’t take him to for four days because I didn’t believe him.  Don’t all thirteen year old boys have giant blue feet?  Mother of the year.

New Years Day was full of news and nonsense.  Cleaning up and thanking Goddess I didn’t make any resolutions to feel guilty about.  My annual resolution is to not make resolutions.  It was working out quite well.  I was very pleased with 2010. We spent a lot of time with friends and have had more luck and love than we could’ve hoped for.  This is how I know that the end is coming.  I have always said that once I became content with where I am in life I’d be hit by a train.

Cynical? Pessimistic? Morbid? Gloomy?  Nah.  Realistic, yes.  Tsunamis, mudslides, floods, hurricanes… acts of nature, seemingly happening all at once.  Personally, I think God is pissed off at the way we treat the Universe.  The same people who bitch about interfering with nature when it comes to feeding wild animals and hunting are bitching about replacing the sand on beaches after stormy weather.  Umm… hello… the sand eroded away naturally… because of a storm… nature… building up your beach with sand that is taken from another part of the world doesn’t make sense.  Tsunamis destroy villages because that’s what God wants.  It’s a step in his plan and if we don’t stop interfering 2012 will never come.

God has resorted to birds and fish to send his message.  Over the last ten or so days, I have read article after article about animals dying by the thousands.  Full flocks of birds falling from the skies.  Thousands of fish washing ashore on riverbeds.  Here are some of the things I’ve read about:

• Australia: heavy rains, rivers rise to historic levels, flooded areas were the size of france and germany combined…. thousands of dead fish, 11 different species…
• Charleston ,  SC: hundreds of dead starfish and jellyfish  washed ashore…
• North Carolina: over 100 pelicans (protected species) died under suspicious circumstances…. most were stabbed, shot, decapitated or de-winged deliberately……
• Italy:  8000 turtle doves fell from the sky… all had mysterious blue stains on their beaks …
• Vietnam: 150 TONS of Red Talapia fish died on 41 separate river farms… according to officials, they had an export value of 35 billion Vietnamese dollars and died from low oxygen in the water….
• New Zealand:  Dead penguins washing up on northern beaches for several weeks… autopsies show they all starved to death due to reduced fish population in the area….
• Arizona:  100 Mexican free-tailed bats that should have migrated to Mexico months ago were found dead last week …
• Ontario, Canada:  Hundreds of shad washed up onto the shore of the St. Clair River… according to officials, they died of shock due to warm weather followed by a quick cold spell. ..
• UK: more than 40,000 Velvet Swimming Crabs, lobster, starfish, anemone & sponges found dead on UK beaches …
• New Zealand: Hundreds of dead snapper fish washed ashore on Coromandel beaches… officials surmised that the fish starved to death due to advderse weather conditions, however, local residents contend that the fish looked fat and healthy …
• Sweden:  100 Crows found dead in the town of Falkoping  …
• Kentucky: Several hundred blackbirds, grackles and starlings found dead last week. Tests were done on the birds ruling out disease and poison ….
• Arkansas: 5,000 birds fall from the sky in Beebe on New Years Eve.  100,000 dead fish washed up  on shore of an Arkansas river. Another 500 birds found dead near a highway North of Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
• Chesapeake Bay, MD: Thousands of dead fish washed ashore in the past two weeks. ….
• Brazil:  100 TONS of dead sardines and small catfish washed ashore. …